A Beginner's Guide to Malt Liquor
by Paul Beatty.
|
Colt 45 |
Sparkling Pink Champale |
Haffenreffer Private Stock |
Midnight Dragon Special Reserve |
Schlitz Malt Liquor Bull |
St. Ides |
| Taste |
Smooth only because it's so watery. Rolling Rock in a big bottle. |
Hey Kool-Aid! Sweet. Tastes suspiciously close to a red version of its G.Heileman cousin, Colt 45. |
Swill. Extremely harsh. Goes down like sharp and bent rusty nails. Nasty aftertaste. |
Robust. Bitter enough to let you know you're about to get busy. |
No nonsense. Crisp and to the point. Nice malty flavor and body. |
Crazy smooth, but who cares; that's not why you drink it. |
| Complexion |
Pale Gold. |
Looks like saliva after you've sucked on cherry popsicles all afternoon. If it sparkled, I missed it. |
Color of honey in the cute little bear-shaped plastic squeeze bottles. |
Murky urine. |
Amber-gold. |
Depends. Could be goldenrod on Tuesday and copper brown on Friday. |
| Bouquet |
None. |
Smells like day-old spilt beer. |
Aromatic. Reminiscent of a wheat field at harvest time. You could drink this all night and kiss your lover in the morning. |
Smells like napalm in the morning. |
Nice hickory scent. Redolent of a spring breeze. |
Rocket fuel with a hint of ammonia. |
| Description |
Traditional 40 dog. Barbecue beer. Good for getting up the nerve to ask for a slow drag. Minus: The omni-present BIlly Dee Williams aura. |
An early experimental wine cooler. Puts you in a virile supercool funky seventies adult mood. Bad jazz, Pam Grier, and Fred Williamson in various states of undress. If you like the "Beauty Shop" plays you will love Pink Champale. Go 'head with your bad self. |
A nice beginner's malt. Goes well with most cannabis generas. Good beer for drinking with friends and talking about one another's shortcomings. |
The riunite of malt liquors. 75"/16 oz. can. Remember when your college chums replaced your Mountain Dew with piss? Here's your chance for revenge. |
A good accompaniment to potato salad. It should come with a foldout lawn chair and some shit-talking relatives. |
The cutting edge of beer. Popular among the thrill-seeking crowd. Never the same drunk twice. Might set a belligerent tone, might turn your life into a Fellini movie. Guaranteed to flip the script. |
| Potency |
Not the Mike Tyson of beers. More like the Rock'em Sock'em Robot of malt liquor. Knocks your block off, but it takes awhile. Allows you to maintain cool in touchy situations (e.g. busted by the cops, moms or pops.) |
Weak. Goes well with frozen Mexican food. According to Daryl, "Part sham, part pale." |
Muy Generico. |
No joke. Little known, but must be major cause of black-on-black crime. As for the ad campaign, I fail to see how anyone can suck on anything if you are passed out in the gutter. |
Decent kick. Stings, because that's what it's supposed to do. |
Strictly for professionals. Never drink alone. Psilocybic. Liquid antimatter. Never mind about operating heavy machinery, you'll have trouble lighting a cigarette. Good thing, too, cause St. Ides is flammable. |
|
Colt 45 |
Sparkling Pink Champale |
Haffenreffer Private Stock |
Midnight Dragon Special Reserve |
Schlitz Malt Liquor Bull |
St. Ides |